Sunday, 9 September 2012

Open Diary: From my 'Blank Notes' : Its An Illusion

I write a lot of my experience, my emotions and my thoughts down. Usually they are inspired by the present but there are times where its in retrospect. I mentioned in an earlier post that, one day, if I feel brave enough, I will publish one of these... guess that's today, I am sure Toinlicious and DiDI will love this.

I do not remember what made me write this, I wrote it I think three years ago. But I recently read something on Rhapsody's blog which inspired  me to post it, It took me some weeks but,

ohw well, ignore the typo's I do not clean it up, My notebook is called 'naked emotion' and I think I should leave everything as it is.

"How can somebody devalue their own life to extend where they wish death upon themselves because of LOVE.
The word makes me sick to the core of my stomach
Fills me with rage...I am about to explode, with Anger...
Loathe towards the person who wants to die,
Hatred for the one who drove her to it
Suicide, is common in the world, but we seem to see it as a distant, illusion,
Thinking it will never happen to us, no-one near us.
I am so angry I might even offer to help her eliminate herself
From the so called unbearable pain, of loving someone who does not love you back.
I would not know how it feel, but I can tell you I have had some personal experience.
Mine was not love, but an unbearable infatuation. Against a person who with all my life I can vouch had the same emotion, towards me.
Passion filled with anger, Jealousy not on my part. Delusional enough to think it was something which I knew it was not but choose to believe otherwise.
We drove each other to the brim of sanity, all in the name of what we didn’t realize was infatuation but we knew was not love.
We cared not to think about what it was but instead...
Left it to the imagination. My mind dared not to imagine, I would not allow it, instead...
You and I lived in a world of our own, where I was scared to tell friends of your visits, in my mind.... knowing they won’t approve, instead...
I made him an enemy a nemesis, my friends abhorred....
I too hated him, for who he was, what he possessed over me, I hated me, for what I allow him to hold over me.
I tried to rationalized... why I allowed take precedence over my mind, though I put on a front, I was trapped and captured.
When I was bold enough to cut him loose, he came back.
He said sorry. SORRY ... like the word SORRY held some kind of magic that erased any past event. Any pain and hurt, damaged and anger, any emotion that he stirred up, he said SORRY like it cleansed the slate and made all thing pure again.
I hated him, But I was so deep, I though I couldn’t come up...I thought I shouldn’t come up.

But of course ‘My is different’ says she... I love him, and he loves me. Well he says it.
Instead of understanding that ‘I love you’ is not sufficient, he got to prove it.
Like me she makes excuses for why he act how he does. For why with no reason he calls her and breaks up with her. Ignoring all her please for a reason, an explanation, even if that reason is I don’t love you... she wants a closure but he denies her that. Instead...
He insults her... bring up all the negative portrayal of herself...he push down her self esteem, her confidence.
He migrates her and makes her feel inadequate...he makes her cry and then without a reason exits her life. Just to come back the following week, two weeks, month... after he  is satisfied with what he wanted to do... he will come back and claim he loves her. Her young foolish heart believes him, she submits. And he got her back, just like that...with no effort, with no hard work...with no promise for a better future he traps her again and again and it repeats over and over again. I HATE HIM
She lies in her bed and cry I sit on the edge angry... I do not want to console her... I want to slap her...I want to put some sense back into her...The girl is foolish.
But I know. She is in an illusion, she thinks she loves him. And delusional enough she believes he loves her after all....
I know first hand... until she accepts it’s a fantasy, its not love. Until she knows that love is not pain. That love cares, that love will not let you cry and if you do, it will try the hardest to erase that. The loves will care of you, that love will want you near. That love will always want to be there for you. That love will love you back, she will not escape this hell hole, she has put herself in, because that isn’t love, its an illusion. "


Diary Of A Shallow Black Girl


  1. Oh wow! I love this. So deep. And you wrote this 3 years ago?!!

    It actually reads like something that could pass as a movie script.

    It sure is very painful when the people we love suffer just because they can't see so clearly what we see. Love isn't supposed to be pain. It's nerve wracking to see someone we love driven to suicide just because of this illusion of love.

    Keep writing and sharing girl, words heal

  2. This is sad and until she is ready to deal with the situation, there is nothing you can do. Make sure you are there when she needs you and when she finally sees beyond the illusion.

  3. I can relate NaNa... I've learnt from the experience.. Still have scars to serve as reminders.. Nice write up..

  4. I can relate NaNa... I've learnt from the experience.. Still have scars to serve as reminders.. Nice write up..


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