Saturday, 29 December 2012

Open Diary - One Gift I Could Do Without... maybe??

I am in my morning coat at ‘1:30 in the afternoon sitting on the sofa with my mac-book on my lap, beats by Dre covering my ears and the biggest screw on my face.
My mother has been speaking to me for the last 5 minutes but I did not hear anything. 
She stood in front of me and started laughing. ‘Its really hurting...huh? Have you taking some medicine...?’.... ‘Yes’ I responded, ‘just waiting for it to kick in’.
It amazing how everybody knows to leave me alone during this time. I get the worst cramps ever.


I came across this article a few weeks ago, really made me laugh, my current state reminded me of it, and I now agree with this woman. I think she is a bit psycho but hey; who I’m I to judge.

‘Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from ‘the curse’? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body.

Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’ Isn’t the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’.

Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

Are you ------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t.

And that’s a promise I will keep. Always!’

On a brighter note, I hope you all had a lovely X-mas and had lots and lots of food.


Diary Of A Shallow Black Girl


  1. Lmao, apt story. Mine's not always bad though. Just a lil cramping

  2. Read this on the Bus, laughed at some point and yea i got the "is he okay Look"

  3. lmaooooo omg! that picture at the end of this post had me rolling. Love the blog girlie!

  4. OMG did she really send this? lol It was fun to read though. I love the way she writes.. and yeah i can understand.. period cramps are no fun..
    well, thank you for sharing. =)


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